Since Tuesday I have suffered from a nauseating case of writers block. While reading tons of reflective blogs regarding last year I just couldn't think of too many things I wanted to look back on. Then Thursday I lost my best friend and I suddenly became reflective. I wasn't reflecting on the past year, but the past ten years instead. So often we fight to bring things into our life , but this little lady in particular fought like hell to be in my life. There is a certain peace that comes from knowing she won't be sick anymore but there is a huge amount of pain in knowing that I will never see her again.
I had wanted a Bassett hound for a long time and the first time I saw Zoe Jane she just heightened that need. I remember picking her up and she threw her big funky paws around my neck. It was pretty much love at first sight, even though I didn't take her home that day. We looked at other puppies and nothing really stuck. Weeks later my husband walked in to the original pet store and called me at work to tell me that “my dog” was still there. Apparently the fact that she was a little older made her less desirable to everyone but me. We went the next morning to get “my dog” and things were never the same.
If you ever read a book about bassett's that was Zoe Jane to the core. Stubborn and independent but loving all the same. So many times I threatened to take that stubborn ass dog to the pound but then I would have had no one to argue with. Despite all of her faults, and there were many, she was mine and you can't undo that.
Countless times I have comforted friends and family when they have lost a pet and I still believe every word I said, but nothing can prepare you. That moment when you know that you are probably going to lose your best friend does not begin to compare to the moment when a kind hearted doctor confirms it. I sat with her Wednesday night and I knew that she was not the dog I had known, but I don't think it helped prepare me for the next day. She walked herself into vet's office but not the way she had walked before. After some struggle to get a weight and an IV started they brougt her back to me. After a few moments with the doctor who discussed with me the slew of things that were causing her stress I agreed that she didn't need to be like this anymore. A shadow of her former self, shakey and unusually whiney Zoe was not in any state to fight anymore. They moved us into a quiet room to spend time together and to prepare for what would come next.
After a two day pitty party for myself and the two loving mongrels I still have at home I got up and took a shower this morning and decided to type this all out. I've heard there can be healing properties to talking about things but I can barely make it through a sentence talking about it, so this will have to do.