We have all said “I’m fine”, and we have all lied about the true levels of our fineness. Thankfully that old children’s song isn’t true or most of us would in fact be walking around with our “pants on fire”. Never mind the environmental ramifications of all us walking around with smoke billowing from our britches, the fact of the matter is most of us need that particular,and most times harmless, “lie”. I pride myself in being a relatively able person and I personally need my “I’m Fine” moments. I don’t do it for anyone else, I do it for me. I know I’m not fine, and I damn well need help most of those times but I appreciate the opportunity to deny it. So here it is, the top ten moments of 2012 when my family or friends let me lie and be stubborn, just to make me feel better. There were more of course but these are my favorites.
I want to throw in quickly that I do not typically admit to the trouble that MS causes me, but I am feeling particularly uninhibited right now.
10. Late last Saturday night. I was not FINE when the lesion in my neck almost crippled me when I was walking through the hallway. It was only a short walk to my bed and I made it fine, but the pain was excruciating and the embarrassment that only I felt when I could barely put my own pajamas on was almost unbearable.
9. A couple of days ago (I apologize for the exactness of these dates). When I was hanging off the bed whimpering over the muscle spasm in my foot and the whole time repeating over and over “I’m Fine” I wasn’t fine. It was horrible!! It looked like my foot was trying to birth a golf ball out of it’s side!! I have multiple muscle spasms almost every day but to see them physically manifested is disgusting!! Why can’t the evil, painful little bastards just stick to themselves. I don’t want to see them.
8. June 24th (that one is exact, Thank you iPhoto) I was not FINE when I was scared that I couldn’t make the climb up donut falls. I so wanted to climb up to the cave with my husband, but I was scared and nothing bothers me more than thought of him having to carry me anywhere. It may be pride, but I hate feeling like any one “has” to take care of me.
7. My son’s entire baseball season. I was not FINE when I was left home sick because I was either too tired or it was too hot for me to go and watch my son play on the first team he had ever played on. I wanted to go but I didn’t and when I said I was fine and there would be more games, I was fibbing.
6. When I woke up late (some time in the spring) and had to rush to leave for work on time I was not FINE. This one may sound silly, but I am an incredibly scheduled person and I like my morning routine. I had a particularly long night and while I had taken my meds they hadn’t quite done the trick. So when my husband jumped up, followed me into the living room and made sure to kiss me goodbye even with tears streaming down my face you can probably imagine the look on his face when I told him I was fine. I wasn’t fine. I was miserable and him chasing me into the living room to make sure I kept at least one part of my oh so important routine was really helpful.
5. Saturday April 30th (impressive, that’s 2 exact dates). I was not fine when I skipped the MS walk. This was the first time I had actually created a team with my best friend and I skipped it. Oddly enough I let MS stop me from walking in the MS walk. Ironic???
4. Sunday April 8th ( Woohoo three exact dates) I wasn’t fine while I watched my family playing catch in the front yard while I sat in my living room in a fog. I haven’t had a lot of MS flairs in the last few years so I was not ready for the one I had this spring. So I stared through my window at them instead, too miserable to play along.
3. A few days before my husbands birthday. I wasn’t FINE when I called my little brother to go to the store with me because I was scared of going just about anywhere by myself. I have never bought anything that I was so scared of dropping and breaking, and I wasn’t in a position to trust my body at that time. When I tripped in Costco and he asked if I was okay my immediate response was “I’m Fine” which of course was a blatant lie, but he let me run with it.
2. Some time in March. I wasn’t FINE when I had to tackle the fact that I was not going to run a marathon this year. I know I will some day, but this was not the year. Why would I want to run that far??? Imagine the pride knowing that I ran 26.2 miles when at some points in time I struggle to walk to the end of the block. Maybe 2013 will be my year???
1. All spring and into the summer. I wasn’t FINE when I spent most of the time in a prednisone induced haze. I am sure I said I was FINE on multiple occasions, but I wasn’t. I was absolutely miserable. I would spend afternoons, while my family was at baseball practice or at the park, crying or being sick to my stomach and wanting to scream. I was a whole new level of evil and I didn’t like that place.
This is neither about self loathing or pity, it’s about being me. Believe it or not I love my life, crippled and all. I’m not angry just reflective 🙂 There are moments I wonder how I can look at myself and still feel like I’m a Alucky lady, but I do. My central nervous system is screwed up, so what…. It’s not like it’s that important. Right????? It could be my pride or my temper but there are moments when I am better left alone. Thankfully I am surrounded by people who love/respect me enough to leave me alone.
All of this being said I can promise you one thing. Someday and somehow I will in fact be, in every sense of the word, FINE 🙂